In a previous blog about SoulFest 2009, I mentioned a little meltdown that I had.
Sometimes a meltdown is necessary. At least, for me it is. It wouldn't be if I didn't keep pushing things down. I usually don't cry when I feel like I need to. I also mentioned this in a previous blog. I don't cry in front of people. It's one of my rules. I should have learned by now, that it's a terrible rule. I guess I have a small issue with pride. So... I hold back for a long time (months) until it all comes out at once. That happened to me Friday night.
I kind of had a feeling it was coming. I didn't want it to, but it was inevitable. It started last week when I found my brother's dog tag. For years, I used to wear his dog tag all the time. He had left it at home when he came to visit back in 2002. I started wearing it because a). my friends & I were still kind of going through our "camo phase" and b). I was proud of my brother and I missed him. I wore it so much that I felt naked without it, so I continued to wear it out of habit.
In July of 2008, the day before we left for SoulFest, my brother called. As usual, he tried to convince me to move to South Carolina. Unlike previous times, he said some terrible things to me. He said that I was going nowhere, and that if I stayed up here I never make anything more than minimum wage. I knew why he was saying those things. He was unhappy in his job, and misery loves company. Later that night when he called again, he talked to mum and told that she should kick me out, and he said some pretty mean things to her too. Again, he was taking out his own frustations on her. I was so mad at him (and for a good reason), so I decided that I wasn't going to answer the phone anymore when he called unless my mother was home to take it (I kept my word). I didn't want to listen to him trying to persuade me to move down there. So, after I got back from SoulFest, I took off my dog tag and stopped wearing it. He died in January.
I haven't been working for a few weeks, so I've had nothing to do all day. Up until last night, I wasn't even able to use the computer because it was being fixed and I didn't like to go to the library too much because I don't like using my mother's Jeep if I can't put gas in it. Friday mum & Chuck had an appointment to go to, so I was home by myself all day. With nothing productive to do, I had plenty of time to think all day. Since I had found my brother's dog tag, it had been in the back of my mind. The last conversation I had with my brother didn't go well, and it was almost 6 months before he passed away. Because of my pride, I didn't talk my brother after SoulFest to tell him how it went, I didn't talk to him on Thanksgiving, his birthday, or Christmas. It was a hard lesson to learn.
So, when I went to church Friday night, I had finally held it in too long. During youth group a friend looked over at me and mouthed the words "Are you okay". All I could do was shake my head. I got up without saying anything and left the room. She followed me out, and when I started bawling she just hugged me. That's probably what I needed. She stood in the hall with me, and when I finally calmed down we sat down on the stairs and talked. Casey came out and suggested that we go for a ride. When we got back to church, we sat out in the vehicle and I finally talked about the things that were bothering me.
So, I'm better now. I guess I realized that, although it's been over a year, it doesn't feel like it. There are still people (his friends) that I can't talk to when I see that they're online. All I can think of is the last time that I saw most of them. There's still music that I can't listen to. Third Day was his favorite band, so I change the station when a Third Day song comes on, especially the one that was played at his funeral. Military funerals still upset me. There's so many other little things that have changed since he died, and so many things that remind me of him.
I refused to pick up the phone when he called. I didn't want to hear about why I should move to South Carolina. Now, I would love to pick up the phone and hear him nagging at me about it, even though I know he was wrong. I wish I had known that then. However, I know that my brother is with the Lord now, and I know that I will see him again. It still hurts, but I learned not to take people for granted, and I will make sure that it doesn't happen again. I also learned a hard lesson about pride. It isn't worth the pain that it eventually leads to.
"Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." -Proverbs 16:18
Sometimes a meltdown is necessary. At least, for me it is. It wouldn't be if I didn't keep pushing things down. I usually don't cry when I feel like I need to. I also mentioned this in a previous blog. I don't cry in front of people. It's one of my rules. I should have learned by now, that it's a terrible rule. I guess I have a small issue with pride. So... I hold back for a long time (months) until it all comes out at once. That happened to me Friday night.
I kind of had a feeling it was coming. I didn't want it to, but it was inevitable. It started last week when I found my brother's dog tag. For years, I used to wear his dog tag all the time. He had left it at home when he came to visit back in 2002. I started wearing it because a). my friends & I were still kind of going through our "camo phase" and b). I was proud of my brother and I missed him. I wore it so much that I felt naked without it, so I continued to wear it out of habit.
In July of 2008, the day before we left for SoulFest, my brother called. As usual, he tried to convince me to move to South Carolina. Unlike previous times, he said some terrible things to me. He said that I was going nowhere, and that if I stayed up here I never make anything more than minimum wage. I knew why he was saying those things. He was unhappy in his job, and misery loves company. Later that night when he called again, he talked to mum and told that she should kick me out, and he said some pretty mean things to her too. Again, he was taking out his own frustations on her. I was so mad at him (and for a good reason), so I decided that I wasn't going to answer the phone anymore when he called unless my mother was home to take it (I kept my word). I didn't want to listen to him trying to persuade me to move down there. So, after I got back from SoulFest, I took off my dog tag and stopped wearing it. He died in January.
I haven't been working for a few weeks, so I've had nothing to do all day. Up until last night, I wasn't even able to use the computer because it was being fixed and I didn't like to go to the library too much because I don't like using my mother's Jeep if I can't put gas in it. Friday mum & Chuck had an appointment to go to, so I was home by myself all day. With nothing productive to do, I had plenty of time to think all day. Since I had found my brother's dog tag, it had been in the back of my mind. The last conversation I had with my brother didn't go well, and it was almost 6 months before he passed away. Because of my pride, I didn't talk my brother after SoulFest to tell him how it went, I didn't talk to him on Thanksgiving, his birthday, or Christmas. It was a hard lesson to learn.
So, when I went to church Friday night, I had finally held it in too long. During youth group a friend looked over at me and mouthed the words "Are you okay". All I could do was shake my head. I got up without saying anything and left the room. She followed me out, and when I started bawling she just hugged me. That's probably what I needed. She stood in the hall with me, and when I finally calmed down we sat down on the stairs and talked. Casey came out and suggested that we go for a ride. When we got back to church, we sat out in the vehicle and I finally talked about the things that were bothering me.
So, I'm better now. I guess I realized that, although it's been over a year, it doesn't feel like it. There are still people (his friends) that I can't talk to when I see that they're online. All I can think of is the last time that I saw most of them. There's still music that I can't listen to. Third Day was his favorite band, so I change the station when a Third Day song comes on, especially the one that was played at his funeral. Military funerals still upset me. There's so many other little things that have changed since he died, and so many things that remind me of him.
I refused to pick up the phone when he called. I didn't want to hear about why I should move to South Carolina. Now, I would love to pick up the phone and hear him nagging at me about it, even though I know he was wrong. I wish I had known that then. However, I know that my brother is with the Lord now, and I know that I will see him again. It still hurts, but I learned not to take people for granted, and I will make sure that it doesn't happen again. I also learned a hard lesson about pride. It isn't worth the pain that it eventually leads to.
"Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall." -Proverbs 16:18
Nikki this was beautifully written and just plain raw at the same time. I know how pride can make us do things and say things we wished we had not done or said. I still think about my loving nephew often, his military photo is on my desk at work. Pridefulness is a hard lesson to learn but I am thankful you had a breakthrough and are feeling better now. I love you Nikki, Auntie Dawn.
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